Skywards makes it into the New Yorker

This is truly hilarious.

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FRIENDLY SKIES DEPT.

PEANUTS, MADAM?

Issue of 2006-04-10

Posted 2006-04-03

When you sign up online for Skywards, which is the frequent-flier program of Emirates, the international airline of the United Arab Emirates, you enter your name, address, passport number, and other information, and you select an honorific for yourself from a drop-down list.

A few of the choices, in addition to the standard Mr, Mrs, Ms, Miss, and Dr, are: Admiral, Air Comm, Air Marshal, Al-Haj (denoting a Muslim who has made a pilgrimage to Mecca), Archbishop, Archdeacon, Baron, Baroness, Colonel, Commander, Corporal, Count, Countess, Dame, Deacon, Deaconess, Deshamanya (a title conferred on eminent Sri Lankans), Dowager (for a British widow whose social status derives from that of her late husband, properly used in combination with a second honorific, such as Duchess), Duchess, Duke, Earl, Father, Frau, General, Governor, HRH, Hon, Hon Lady, Hon Professor, JP (justice of the peace?), Judge, Khun (the Thai all-purpose honorific, used for both men and women), L Cpl, Lt, Lt Cmdr, Lt Col, Lt Gen, Midshipman, Mlle, Monsieur, Monsignor, Mother, Pastor, Petty Officer, Professor, Senor, Senora, Senorita, Sgt, Sgt Mjr, Shaikha (for a female shaikh, or sheikh), Sheikh, Shriman (an Indian honorific, for one blessed by Lakshmi, the Hindu goddess of wealth, wisdom, luck, and other good things), Sister, Sqdn Ldr, Sqn Ldr, Sub Lt, Sultan, Swami, The Countess, The Dowager, The Duchess, The Marquis, The Matron, The Rev Canon, the Reverend, The Rt Hon, The Ven, The Very Revd, Ven, Ven Dr, Very Revd, Vice Admiral, Viscount, and Viscountess.

Anyone who chooses King obviously goes in first class, Private in economy, Wing Cmdr in an exit row. But what about Cardinal? Does he belong in first class (by virtue of his position in the ecclesiastical hierarchy), economy (for doctrinal seemliness), or business (a possible compromise)? Are Prince and Princess the business-class versions of The Prince and The Princess, or do all royals automatically belong in first? If you accumulate enough miles for a cabin upgrade, do you get a title upgrade, too? And if you’re just a Representative (or a Member of Parliament), rather than a Senator (or a Lord), what are you supposed to do? Fly Delta?

One thing is clear: the list must have been compiled by a retired British military man now employed by a peer or peeress who has strong ties to the Church of England. About sixty per cent of the available titles are British military ranks, or flavors of British aristocrat, gentleman, or Protestant clergyman—that is, unless Hon is meant as the traditional title of respect bestowed on members of both sexes by waitresses in the Midwest. Surprisingly few Islamic or Arabic honorifics are available, given the provenance of the airline. Rabbi is offered, but not Imam—although if you select Rabbi you do so at your peril, since people whose passports bear Israeli stamps may be denied entry to the U.A.E.

A lesson to be learned from the Skywards form is that attempts at exhaustiveness are inherently self-defeating: the longer a list, the more conspicuous its lacunae. Queen is not offered (although Mayoress is), and you can be His (but not Her) Highness, His (but not Her) Honour, Marquis but not Marquise—omissions that suggest retribution for past affronts, or, conceivably, punishment for unacceptable behavior on previous flights.

The corporate headquarters of Emirates is in Dubai, which is also the home of Dubai Ports World, the company whose British subsidiary, Congress has decided, should no longer be allowed to manage six major American ports. Those who similarly feel disinclined to earn travel premiums from foreign powers with Arabic-speaking rulers will be relieved, perhaps, to know that Guest Rewards, which is the frequent-traveller program of Amtrak, also has an online application form with an extensive drop-down list of honorifics. The Amtrak list isn’t as long as the one offered by Emirates, but it does include several titles that the latter doesn’t, among them Chief Petty Officer, Chief Warrant Officer 4, Master Chief, and Senior Chief. It also has an appealing feature that Skywards lacks: a drop-down list of suffixes. If you do a lot of domestic travelling by train and happen, for example, to be the great-great-great-grandson of the character on “Gilligan’s Island” who was portrayed by the late Jim Backus, you can enroll yourself in Guest Rewards, and very possibly nowhere else, as Thurston Howell VIII.